A new year makes people hopeful. Fresh calendar. Fresh start.
But real change doesn’t come from a fresh date—it comes from a fresh heart. Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT)
God said in Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT), “And I will give you a new heart… I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.”
That means the change you want most in your relationship isn’t only about habits. It’s about the heart underneath the habits.
What a “stony heart” looks like in real life
A stony heart isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it’s polite on the outside but closed on the inside.
It sounds like:
- “I’m tired of trying.”
- “I’ll just keep my thoughts to myself.”
- “You never listen anyway.”
- “I’ll protect myself by pulling back.”
This is common before marriage, too. If you’re dating or engaged, you may notice you shut down when you feel pressure. Or you get sharp when you feel misunderstood.
Marriage doesn’t erase those patterns—it often reveals them.
What a “tender, responsive heart” looks like
A tender heart is not weak. It’s strong enough to stay honest and kind at the same time.
A tender heart says:
- “Help me respond, not react.”
- “Let me say this in a better way.”
- “I want peace more than I want to win.”
- “We’re on the same team.”
A new heart doesn’t mean you never get upset.
It means you don’t let upset become damage.
The new heart shows up in your words
One of the fastest ways to see what’s in your heart is to listen to what comes out of your mouth when you’re tired, stressed, or disappointed.
Here’s a simple heart filter before you speak:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it needed right now?
This is where a pause can save your marriage from a slow leak.
If you’ve practiced the “10-second rule,” keep using it. Step away when you feel triggered. Breathe. Pray. Then return with a calmer tone.
Because the goal isn’t just “say what you feel.”
The goal is “say it in a way that builds safety.”
The daily choice that changes everything: repair
Most couples don’t need perfect communication. They need repair.
Repair is what you do after you started wrong.
Repair is what you do when your tone is off.
Repair is what you do when you misunderstand.
Try these simple repair sentences:
- “I started that wrong. Let me try again.”
- “I’m feeling a lot, but I want to stay connected.”
- “I’m sorry for my tone. You matter to me.”
Small repairs build big trust.
I Do & I Don’t
I DO: Choose one daily heart habit that protects our love.
I DON’T: Let stress, pride, or old pain steer my words.
3 simple practices for a “new heart” week
1) The Daily Heart Ask (30 seconds)
Each morning: “Lord, give me a tender heart today.”
2) The 5-Minute Connection Check-In
Ask:
- “How’s your heart today?”
- “What do you need from me today?”
- “How can I pray for you?”
3) The Same-Team Reminder
When conflict arises, say: “We’re on the same team. Let’s slow down.”
A prayer for your marriage (or your future marriage)
Lord, thank You that You give a new heart. Soften what has gotten hard in me. Heal what has been wounded in us. Teach me to pause, listen, and speak with grace. Help us choose peace, honesty, and love—one day at a time. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Ready for your next step?
If you want help applying this in your relationship before or after “I do,” I’d love to support you with Christ-centered coaching.
Book a 20-minute connect call here, and we’ll talk through your next right step.
Grace and peace,
Dr. Deborah