Words are powerful. They can build bridges of connection in marriage—or they can quietly tear them down. Many of us don’t realize how often the little phrases we use create distance instead of intimacy. The good news? With God’s Word as our guide, we can learn to replace harmful words with life-giving ones that draw us closer together.
Here are 10 common phrases that damage communication in marriage—and better ways to respond.
1. “You always…” / “You never…”
Why it hurts: These absolute statements put your spouse on the defensive.
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
What to say instead: “I feel hurt when this happens…”
2. “Whatever.”
Why it hurts: Dismissive words build walls.
“…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)
What to say instead:“I don’t fully understand, but I want to hear you.”
3. “It’s fine.” (when it’s not)
Why it hurts: Minimizing feelings keeps healing from happening.
“…each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor…” (Ephesians 4:25)
What to Say Instead: “I’m not okay right now, but I want to work through this with you.”
4. “We don’t need to talk about it.”
Why it hurts: Avoiding tough conversations creates distance.
“…the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)
What to Say Instead: “This is hard to talk about, but I think it matters for us.”
5. “Why can’t you be more like…?”
Why it hurts: Comparison steals joy and dishonors your spouse.
“…each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.” (Galatians 6:4)
What to say instead: “I appreciate the way you…”
6. “I told you already!”
Why it hurts: Irritation shuts down listening.
“…clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” (Colossians 3:12)
What to say instead: “Let me try saying that again in a different way.”
7. “Forget it.” / “Just drop it.”
Why it hurts: Shutting down keeps healing from happening.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you…” (Matthew 18:15)
What to say instead: “I need a little time, but I do want to come back to this.”
8. “That’s stupid.” / “That doesn’t matter.”
Why it hurts: Dismissing your spouse’s thoughts damages intimacy.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up…” (Ephesians 4:29)
What to say instead: “I may not fully agree, but I value what you’re saying.”
9. “You don’t get it.”
Why it hurts: Assuming misunderstanding shuts the door on connection.
“…not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:4)
What to say instead: “Can I share more so you can see where I’m coming from?”
10. “I don’t want to talk right now.” (with no follow-up)
Why it hurts: Space is healthy, but avoidance leaves issues unresolved.
“…a time to be silent and a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7)
What to say instead: “I need a little space, but let’s talk tonight.”
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Communication doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does need to be honest, respectful, and covered in love. Don’t compromise on God’s vision for your marriage. Replace harmful words with healing ones, and you’ll find that what once brought distance can now bring connection.
If this spoke to your heart, take a few minutes today to reflect on which phrase you use most often and choose a better replacement. Then, talk with your spouse about one change you’d like to make in your communication this week.
Prayer
“Lord, guard our tongues and guide our hearts. Teach us to answer gently, listen well, and speak words that bring life. Help us to use communication as a tool to build up, not tear down, our marriage. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
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You can find "Building Better Marriages: The I do and I don't of everyday life" with Deborah Skomba on Apple and Spotify, and on my Website here. It pairs perfectly with today’s conversation. Then, subscribe so you don’t miss the next topic in this marriage-building series. While you are there, would you follow, subscribe and leave a review so others who need to hear this will find me.
Friend, marriage is a lifelong journey of learning each other’s hearts. When we create space for honest conversation, show love in ways that speak to our spouse’s soul, and invite God into every part of our relationship, we lay a foundation that lasts. Keep leaning into grace, choosing connection over comfort, and trusting the One who designed your love story.
From my heart to yours,
Dr Deborah
Founder, Heart to Heart Ministry and Coaching
"Helping you align your life, relationships, and calling with God’s design—so you can live and lead with purpose."
PS. If this conversation spoke to your heart, don’t let it end here.
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